The Time I Got Rejected for Not Being Fat Enough

In my previous post, I shared a story about the challenges of growing up while being a bigger size than your peers and navigating adulthood not feeling comfortable in your own body.

Life has a funny way of throwing the weirdest punches in your face. I've never been in a relationship my whole life. I've had so many unsuccessful romances. This is not because of my looks, as I used to like to think - as I matured and have put some things into perspective in the past few years, I've come to realise that even when I would have had the chance to pursue a relationship with someone, I was just as selective with who I let close to me.

For sure, I've had my fair share of rejections from guys I really liked. For many of them, the reason was that they didn't find me physically attractive because I was overweight. I think I actually lost count of the exact reasons after a while but they all started with "Actually, I like being with you and hanging out with you so much, you are absolutely amazing and there's nothing wrong with you, I actually looove your personality but..."

But what?

I'm just not attracted to you like that.

I'm not into chubby girls.

I really wish you weren't overweight because otherwise you're the whole package.

Of course, not all of my failed attempts were failed simply because I was plus sized. However, if you hear a certain thing enough times, you start thinking everyone sees you that way. Even when someone rejected me for not vibing with my personality although they were physically attracted to me, I always convinced myself in reality it was because I was fat and they just didn't want to hurt my feelings by saying so.

Oh it must be because I'm fat—why else would it be? I've got such a great personality, everyone loves me!!

Even though it always hurt, I could never actually blame any of them. People like to say physical attraction doesn't matter and that it's all in the heart to make themselves feel better, but I've come to disagree with that statement. I feel like you can never give your heart and your body to someone who you're not attracted to physically. The statement is true in the sense that even if you start out not being attracted to someone and then get to know them and love them, that will make you physically drawn to them too and start seeing them in a different light.

It took me so many painful years to understand that all those people didn't solely reject me just on the basis that I was overweight. Because if they really wanted to, if they had feelings for me and if they really loved me for who I was, they wouldn't have cared. When you love someone, you love all parts of them, and actually, you will start loving their imperfections even more. Such a cliche but so true.

Just so you don't think I'm all negative and I started this blog to feel sorry for myself, I would also like to share something positive. The world is such a different place now than what it was when I was in school. It's become so much more accepting and inclusive that it's been so long since I've had to worry about my looks in public places or be paranoid about people not wanting to go out with me or be friends with me because I'm plus sized. It's such a fucked up thing to worry about. I realise that now, but you wouldn't believe how many people go on with their lives being consumed by thoughts like this, so often because they were made to feel like this throughout their whole lives by the people they loved most.

With this positive progression, I've also seen a surge in men not being afraid to admit that they are physically and sexually attracted to plus sized women. I've actually been quite impressed by how many men I've talked to on dating apps said they didn't mind and actually preferred chubby girls. Then so very often, I've quickly come to realise this just meant they didn't mind for the purposes of trying to have sex but actually, they do mind—very much so.

I don't mean to generalise in any capacity, but here's a quick translation of what they actually meant in about 80-90% of cases in my experience:

"Of course I don't mind, only dogs play with bones ;)" = As long as people don't actually see us publicly on the street together, I don't mind

"I actually prefer plus sized women, there's just something about them" = I actively seek out plus sized women on dating apps in the hopes of them being easy to seduce because, as we all know, they are all desperate for attention

There are, however, actually so many men who are genuinely attracted to plus sized women which, to be honest is a breath of fresh air sometimes when trying to navigate the dating pool.

There was one man in particular that I crossed paths with a few years ago, who was so into plus sized women that after months of getting to know each other, he actually rejected me for not being fat enough (his exact words).

Imagine my shock.

I've been rejected countless times for being too fat, but never for being not fat enough! Of course, with him, I'd already known that he specifically liked really overweight women, but I never would have thought I would ever be considered not overweight enough for someone.

Thousands of thoughts were rushing through my head because—what does that even mean? It was the exact same conversation I've had with so many guys before: "I really enjoy hanging out with you and I think you're great, but..."

But what?

But actually, there is someone else I've also been seeing and I've entered a relationship with her. When it comes to personality, I actually like you more, but physically I'm much more attracted to her because well, she's much bigger than you.

Hearing his words felt like an out of body experience, like being split into two and now two versions of me existed in the same timeline: there was a Szani who was too overweight and there was a Szani who just wasn't fat enough. Which one was the real one? Do I believe him or do I believe the others? What does it even mean, not being big enough? Or do I just believe myself and my friends and love myself no matter what? I was heartbroken because for the longest time, it seemed like there was finally someone who enjoyed my company and liked my looks and it really felt like it was going somewhere. I knew he was never going to reject me because I was plus sized - but being hit with the realisation that someone could actually reject me for not being plus sized enough felt like a bucket of ice water down my neck. The two versions of me then collided and formed an entirely new third version that completely ripped out everything I'd ever known about myself and formed my new personality which then tormented me for so many years and it only echoed one thing, on a loop continuously: No matter what I do, I'll never be good enough...

Many years have passed since then and now I know that's not true. I've had to fight so many demons to convince myself to see the truth and to knock some sense into myself. To this day I'm still fighting those demons, only now I see it as the good fight to keep myself sensible and accountable. Today I am wiser, and I know that I shouldn't define my own worth by what a few people at a certain point in their life felt for me. There are 8 billion people on this earth. I’m quite certain that the number of people who would think I’m just good enough—or even too good for them—would surpass those who think the opposite.

The eternal question is, which one of those people am I?

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Thank you for tuning in to Chasing Sunshine, my personal blog where I share stories about my experience and extensive journey to find self-love, body positivity and reconciliation with a chronic illness.

My hope is that by sharing my stories, I can inspire others to see their own worth, find their voice, and celebrate who they are. This is my space to reflect, connect, and spread a little sunshine - one post at a time.

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