Everything I Know About Love

Everything I know about love, especially self-love, has been conditional so far during my life. I turned 30 this year which, leading up to it, has really made me think about what I’m taking with myself to the next decade of my life.

Self-love has always come difficult for me, especially in my teen and university years. Looking back now I realise how many times I sought love and attention at the wrong places—fake friends and fake romances, people who always loved me conditionally, if they loved me at all. I always felt like I could never fully be myself or they wouldn’t like me, I always felt the need to be fake in return.

“Fake it till you make it” - they say, but I became such an expert in this that it ultimately caused me to lose out on enjoying the better part of my 20s. It’s easy to beat myself up now in hindsight, but I do wish I had known better at the time. I wish I’d known better that I was more than the people who made me feel inferior and insecure because of my weight or because of faults in my personality. That I was more than the people who didn’t have the capacity to love me the same way I loved them. That I was more than those people who used my kindness and hurt me just because they couldn’t love themselves either.

I became an expert in masking my insecurity and self-hatred with a confident appearance but deep down I still couldn’t stand myself. So I kept feeling sorry for myself, never changing, just endlessly complaining and digging my own pit of self-hatred… which became so deep at one point that my internalised feelings resulted in an autoimmune disease which I will be stuck with for the rest of my life. All because I let small and meaningless people and things define my whole being and I let anxiety consume me. All because I was never strong enough to accept the most important person’s love for myself, which I now realise was me all along.

It wasn’t easy, but these lessons taught me to shift my mindset and embrace who I truly am and to start enjoying my own company—and once I did, there was no going back. I learned that I don't need to be surrounded by people who hardly know me all the time, just because I desperately wanted to be friends with everyone at the same time. I learned that I deserve to be selective about who I let close to myself and I don't need to give a precious piece of myself to everyone I met in hopes of genuine connection. I learned that no matter what I do and how much I try, I can't make everyone like me or love me. And if someone doesn't love me the way I love them, that's ok because it's not my fault. It's just the way life works.

I learned that I'm a whole individual person capable of having fun without the constant desire to be around people when so many times, all I wanted to do was to experience things alone. In the past one or two years, I've discovered a part of myself and the world that I missed out on in my 20s because of being consumed by numbing anxiety. I went to the concerts of my favourite artists alone, I started reading again, I spent hundreds of hours watching series and movies and going to the cinema, listening to music. Just being alone. And I enjoyed it in ways I never knew it was possible.

The most important thing I learned throughout this journey, however, was how many forms love could take that I had been blind to.

Love is not being a chronic people-pleaser and putting on fake personalities to try and make everyone love you.

Love is not beating yourself up for the things you didn't do because of your anxiety.

Love is not when someone decides to stop being your friend after 7 years, seemingly without explanation.

Love is not someone close to you constantly pointing out where you're lacking, without the intention of helping you.

Love is not someone gaslighting you into thinking you're imagining genuine connection and destroying your confidence.

Love is not feeling the need of hiding your body in front of your family and friends because you're scared they will make a comment about you needing to lose weight.

Love is not trying to lose weight to make other people like you more.

Love is the quiet peace of living together with your best friend who, despite knowing everything you've ever done wrong in your life, still loves you unconditionally.

Love is riding in the car with your sister, screaming your favourite songs at the top of your lungs.

Love is looking in the mirror and knowing that even though you're not satisfied with how you look, you've improved your binge eating habits so much and you're proud of yourself, even if others can't see that from the outside.

Love is giving yourself permission to gather the strength to lose weight when you will be ready and strong enough on your own terms. For yourself and your health, and not for others.

Love is a friend who you haven't seen in years but you still continue where you left off when you meet.

Love is the warm hug of your parents when you see each other after a month.

Love is creating a bond with someone who lives 1700 kilometres away and them becoming a part of your life because they want to, and love you unconditionally.

Love is someone fighting for you to stay in their lives even when you both thought you had irreconcilable differences. And keeping in touch almost every single day, to this day.

Love is knowing deep down in your soul that you are doing everything you're capable of to lead a good life.

And it's enough. I'm enough.

The love I have in my life is not just good enough—it's more than enough.

I’m doing so much better now compared to a few years ago, hell, even a year ago. I love myself and I surround myself with people who love me exactly how I am. I’m healing and learning and bettering myself. I’m trying so hard to find my place in this world and I know there’s a reason for the lessons life has taught me. I know that there is nothing I can do to change things in the past but I do have the power to form my future and create my own truth. There is a long way to go and there will always be bumps on the road, but I am certain that will only make it all the more worthwhile when I can finally say I’ve found myself.

I am learning to love myself, bumps and all, and that is the greatest journey of all.

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Thank you for tuning in to Chasing Sunshine, my personal blog where I share stories about my experience and extensive journey to find self-love, body positivity and reconciliation with a chronic illness.

My hope is that by sharing my stories, I can inspire others to see their own worth, find their voice, and celebrate who they are. This is my space to reflect, connect, and spread a little sunshine - one post at a time.

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